WE LOVED THEM, WE LOVE THEM BUT--

WE LOVED THEM, WE LOVE THEM BUT--

I saw a picture of an empty chair and I thought of using it in the current blog.

So I have penned my thoughts in this manner.

Treat your parents with loving care-------------------------Because you will only know their value, when you will    see their  EMPTY CHAIR, like the one above! So call
them just to say," I LOVE YOU!"

Aseem Chhabra, who writes a weekly column for Mumbai Mirror offering New York perspective on Indian Issues, once wrote in his column thus: (and I quote)

'Recently, a friend in Washington informed me of his father’s demise back home in India, and advised me to call up my father for no reason but to tell him ‘I love you’. I took his advice and dialed my parents.'

He then goes on telling how this sad news brought him face- to – face with one of the worst fears of those living in the U.S., away from their elderly parents, may be living alone. He goes on describing the ordeal one has to go through in such circumstances – bags to be packed – emergency flight arrangements to be made – visa issues to be tackled – everything being rushed through – with no time to mourn.

He states how his friend’s BlackBerry message rattled in another way and I quote again:

'I belong to a generation from India where we never said to our parents that we loved them. Sitting with them, talking to them, eating meals together was our way expressing our love. But the word ‘Love’ is hardly ever used to express what we feel towards each other.' 

He further explains how things are different in the U.S., with children and parents exchanging quite frequently the ‘I love you’. (How odd and almost mechanical it is!)  Every time the call from his son ends with the customary American expression. He has been saying it since he was a child. It seems this American way of expressing love has rubbed off on his U.S. born Indian son. He does not recall his wife or himself ever teaching his son to speak those words.

He did call his parents that very night. His mother picked up the phone and then passed it on to his father. But he did not say ‘I love’ to either of them. The parents too did not ask him why he was calling them soon after having spoken to them earlier. But his parents knew that it was his way of saying that he loved them.

I too belong the same generation from India where we never said to our parents, grand parents, uncles and aunties that we loved them. There was no need for that expression ever. In the same manner, we don’t expect our son, daughter – in – law and our sweet little grand daughter to say ‘I love’ to us when they call from abroad. We know that all of them do love us immensely as much as our daughter.  My little darling Sarah does say, “I love you, baba!” to me or “I love you, aai” to my wife.

RE: We all love one another and we know it!

Something on this line(quoting the said article) I had sent emails to my dear ones staying abroad. And this was the response that got from them (I've reproduced the same without  making any corrections or alterations):

• Email from my daughter –in - law:

 i sumtimes wanna say 'i love u' to u guys, but since v hv never said it, it just seems difficult. and i agree baba also, it is so normal n understood that v love each other n know it from our actions, that sumtimes i feel that love is better expressed thro' actions than words. esp whn u see so many people sayin i love u as a habit n not actually meanin it.
i am sure that even if v dont say it or u dont say it, doesnt mean that v dont know that v love and care deeply for each other. also, everyone's way of expressin love is not the same, as long as the love is felt amongst us, that i feel is the best way to express. isnt it?
one more thing, i find writing 'love u' is easier than sayin it :)
love all of u, tk cr

                   -Araina

• From my nephew,Harshul Nayak wrote:

Hello Vinay mama,

We were so happy to hear from you ...

Each generation is different.

Its true that our generation or the one before us which includes our parents and yourself don't follow the western way to say "I love You" but we have our own culture. Our own way of telling our parents that we care and love them. It happens only in our culture where children don;t forget and take care of their parents. With the ever changing world and times it nice to accept wht's nice. We personally would like and prefer to give best of both the worlds (east and west ) to our children and learn ourselves. One is never old for learning.

In this new world of instantification (?)and short tweet and face book updates, I find pretty hard adding more words in form of an email. But all said and done, we love our parents and you too. With the changing times we have to leave our house and move a little farther but we all love our parents. It's our culture...

Hope I was able to put in our thoughts and meant no harm.

Kindly convey our regards to Siddarth ,Aarina , lovely sarah , vidya mami and Maithili ...

With lots of luv and warm prayers

Harshul , Gayatri and "to be" ( today they have a sweet little son called Varad)

• My Nephew, Nikhil wrote thus:

Dear Mama,

First of all “Love you very much” I promise this will be followed up with a phone call on one of the weekends – though you will always be blamed for my premature baldness.

I agree to this article and the sentiments behind it. One of the reason why we over here say “love you” is that we tend to pick up good things from any culture and we don’t have any extended family here so the bonding is much stronger – your involvement with your kids in more stronger. I am sure it is true with Siddartha.  I agree we Indians tend to less expressive when sharing our love with our parents – and its largely because that’s how we grew up but  I see North Indians are a bit different than others – they are more more verbal and touchy with their parents / elders which I have seen with Shruti’s family.  

I appreciate your email and thoughts behind it. One think you should always remember, that I always remember you guys but “time” is the only scarcity we have here due to time difference. I am sure if we were in the same time zone you would have heard more from me. I am of course sad that when Aai passed away none of you guys were around at her funeral but that is the price you pay when you want to be away from your roots. I must say that Aai over the years after my dad passed away became more aware of her strengths which she didn’t have the avenue to demonstrate earlier. I always tried to give her space and do what she wanted. I am a bit disappointed with myself that I should have thought of getting her remarried. But by the time I realized it was a bit late. It didn’t even strike me that I should think of it seriously even when few of my American friends use to ask me if she is going to get re-married. The way think is – hey you live until 80-90 years – an everyone needs companion – but coming from that culture it was initially a bit akward to think but then I realized my mistake..

Over the years Aai had begun to love US as I could see her adaptability to go to stores, library and travel by herself. She was to a large extend dressing more in pants, t-shirt and shoes too. I believe she was at peace (she looked also very calm on the death bed) and wanted to pass away in my house and in US.

Fortunately for me there is an Indian family who treats me as their son and this lady Shah Aunty (My US mom) took charge and took care of me as a mother and guided me through Aai’s  ceremony and continues to exert right over me as her son.

Well it was very nice to get an email from you. We have been lucky that we come from a broad minded and educated background. We should surely keep in touch and continue on these lines.

Take care, regards to everyone and of course LOVE YOU.

       

       - Nikhil